(I love this blog, it tells a very happy story but it also tells a pretty raw one as well.)
Tomorrow is a year since we found out we were matched! June 21st, 2017 we got the call we had been waiting and praying for. That day a year ago and the days leading up to it are still so crystal clear in my mind. The days leading up the this call the call about being matched with our babies, beautiful birth mom, God had been really working on my heart. The days leading up to that call were probably some of the most broken days of my life. But God molded and used those broken days for beautiful life lessons and to prepare my heart for what was to be ahead of us in the next few weeks.
June 8th 2017, we got a profile notification, it was about an expecting mom and a little baby boy due July 24, 2017. I read it and Dan and I told our adoption agency to go ahead and show this mom our book. For all the other profile showings we had gotten a “NO” in a week or a little less. The days stretched on and on and still no word about who this expectant mom was going to pick. We were right at being a waiting family for 6 months and man I was getting anxious. (I know we didn’t wait that long and I am so thankful for that! I feel for you sweet families who wait years, but I also know God’s timing is perfect and you are in this waiting season for a reason and when you look down at your beautiful baby, that wait wont matter one bit anymore and you will understand it all!) This whole season of waiting, God was really working on me to let go of the reins and just give it to him! To, LET GO AND LET GOD! On the 16th of June 2017 we received an urgent profile notification. A little girl 2 weeks old, that for certain reasons we knew would be placed in our area. As you all recall we were waiting to adopt with our friends at the very same agency! This notification with this little girl who was already born felt so much more real, she was already here, it was so different from the rest of the notifications we had gotten. We said yes to this one, as did our friends. Now we knew one of us would get placed first, we never really spoke of it but we knew and we also knew even though we would be over the moon for our friends it also may hurt. Just like it does when you want a baby so bad and see pregnancy notification, when you go to baby shower after baby shower and everyone asks when you will have a little one, when you get awful news at the doctor about fertility stuff and that same weekend someone in your family announces they are pregnant. Its a weird feeling an awful feeling, you are so happy for your family and friends but it cuts you deep down inside, it stings and burns. Since sweet little girl was already born we new it would be a fast turn around for the answer. So we waited, that Saturday morning I woke up still anxious about sweet little girl, I also knew we hadn’t gotten an answer yet from the baby due in July. That day God very clearly told me over and over, ” that sweet little girl, she is your friends baby.” Sure enough that evening I got a call from my dear friend. “Karla, hi, well I just really wanted you to find out from me first, we matched with that sweet little girl, we are having our match meeting tomorrow with her birth mom.” Oh I was so over the moon excited, but that feeling deep down inside also ripped through me like a knife! The joy I felt for my friends was so intense and amazing but my heart also sunk to the bottom on my toes and I cried big ugly tears. I was so confused and ashamed that I would feel this way, I knew God already had my child hand picked but the tears just kept rolling down my face. I felt weak and so defeated. I felt so alone…. I wanted to love and hug and cheer on my friends (which I did) but the sadness of my heart was overwhelming. My friends had their match meeting and then brought home their baby girl the following day! Let me tell you that baby girl is theirs through and through, God made her just for them and I love watching them all together! That Monday and Tuesday I tried to drag myself out of my hole. I ran to God in ways I didn’t know I could, I was literally on my knees praying to him to help me get through this wait and to forgive me for my tears, heartache and not trusting him.
Wednesday June 21, 2017 I had to work that day and went in still pretty down. During my lunch I sat down and started eating, God very clearly spoke to me and said, open that profile notification from June 8th read it and pray. So that is what I did, my whole lunch hour I read it over and over and prayed for the expectant mom and this baby boy. Then I got up and went back to work and finished the day not thinking much more about it. I got off early that night and drove home. I was pretty grumpy when I walked in the door. When I got home I had a text message from my mom so I started reading it, as I did Dan walked up to me arms open wide and this big old goofy smile. Me being grumpy said “hold on let me finish this text to my mom, why are you being so weird?” I finished it and gave him a hug as I did I asked him again, “why in the world are you so happy?” He responded, ” I got a call today and we have to make a call back to this person.” I looked at him kind of like he was crazy, He said something like “Our case worker called and we have to call her back!” At that point things started to form in my mind and I started screaming “NO, NO, NO, NO WE DON’T!” and he said something like “YES WE ARE MATCHED!!!” at this point I started crying and laughing and fell onto my kitchen floor and cried and laughed. I then cried that I needed to call my mom and then called her screaming and crying and laughing, my poor mom on the other end telling me to calm down and use my words. So long story short we called our case worked learned more about this brave mom and set a date to meet with her! We wouldn’t meet for a whole week, a whole week! That was the longest week of my life! I will write more about the match meeting next week.
That day June 21st 2017 will forever be imprinted on my mind. The 5 days before will also always be imprinted in my mind. God worked a freaking miracle to have us match 2 days after our friends brought home their baby girl. While I wasn’t the most graceful in those days before our match I know that God used that. He broke me in a way I needed to be broken and then he picked up the pieced and said “I was always here, I have been writing this story to bring you to your baby boy for a long time. I know it was hard but I was always here Karla, all you had to do was let go and trust me”….Just “trust without borders”.
I will keep posting on our adoption story and journey to bring Karsten home for the next couple weeks to celebrate our baby boy, his birth mom and all that God has done to bring us all together! #adoptiontriad